Ms. Julia was a director of engineering at a Fortune 500 company, a mother of two, and a caregiver for her aging mother. Her life was a whirlwind of work deadlines, doctor appointments, elaborate birthday parties, and social commitments. 

Yet, despite her impressive accomplishments, Julia felt perpetually behind and emotionally drained. This is not a standalone story but one that many of us can relate to.

The hidden cost of high achievement

As children, we’re taught to be responsible, share with others, care deeply, and delay gratification. These values mold us into productive and reliable individuals. 

However, as successful adults, when we prioritize external expectations over our well-being, we often end up overextended, on the fast track to depletion and burnout.

Take delayed gratification, for example. This trait, resisting immediate pleasure in favor of long-term goals, is often celebrated as the backbone of success. Whether it’s studying instead of watching TV, saving instead of spending, or working through the weekend, we’ve been taught to push through. 

But when this mindset becomes overly developed, we begin to disregard our immediate needs entirely.

This compulsion is rooted in what developmental psychologists call the socialized self, a stage in which our identity is shaped by societal norms, relationships, and the desire for approval. 

While this helps us integrate into our communities and fulfill our duties, staying in this stage too long can trap us in a cycle of overextension.

Even self-care, in this mindset, can become another task, a chore on an endless to-do list. 

Rather than a source of renewal, it begins to feel burdensome or even selfish, perpetuating the very burnout it’s meant to relieve.

A healthier definition of success

To build sustainable, fulfilling success, we must evolve beyond the socialized self. Instead of working solely for personal achievement or validation, we need to move toward a mindset that values collaboration, shared well-being, and long-term sustainability.

This transition involves progressing into more advanced stages of adult development, as outlined in the ‘Adult Development Map’ by Jennifer Garvey Berger.

1. Self-authoring stage

Here, individuals develop an internal compass based on their values. They no longer measure success by external approval but by personal principles and meaningful goals. 

Decisions are guided by clarity and alignment with what truly matters.

2. Self-transforming stage

In this most advanced stage, people see the world as deeply interconnected and ever-changing. They embrace complexity, value multiple perspectives, and recognize that collaboration often yields the best outcomes. 

Growth, adaptability, and collective intelligence become central to their approach.

Transitions between these stages are not always linear or final. Like Russian nesting dolls, earlier stages remain within us. Each has its value, but in today’s increasingly complex world, expanding our mindset allows us to meet challenges with greater wisdom and resilience.

Julia’s turning point

Let’s return to Julia’s story.

Through coaching, she began to reevaluate her mindset. She let go of the belief that she had to handle everything on her own. She learned to ask for help and began trusting others, and it produced remarkable results.

At work, she empowered her team by giving them greater autonomy, encouraging them to solve problems independently. 

In her personal life, she leaned on her spouse, children, and siblings for support. She set clearer boundaries, established realistic expectations, and delegated both at home and in the office.

The outcome? Julia felt energized and more capable. Her shift to a sustainable model of success allowed her to face life’s demands with increased presence and purpose. And both her family and her team flourished in this new, more balanced dynamic.

How you can shift, too

If you feel caught in the same cycle of overwork and exhaustion, here are a few steps to start shifting your mindset:

Reassess your priorities: Focus on what truly matters to you, not just what’s expected of you.

 

Embrace collaboration: Delegate tasks. Build trust in others. No one thrives alone.

 

Set boundaries: Say no when needed. Protect your time and energy for what’s meaningful.

 

Redefine success: Move beyond the external. Focus on fulfillment, sustainability, and well-being.

Takeaway

Breaking the cycle of overextension doesn’t mean doing less; it means doing what matters most, in ways that nourish rather than deplete you. 

True success isn’t just about how much you can accomplish. It’s about creating a life that’s resilient, collaborative, and deeply fulfilling. You don’t need to hustle harder. You need to grow wiser.

Sharmin Banu, an Executive Coach since 2009, draws on her extensive tech industry background, notably at Microsoft, and coaches senior leaders in Fortune 500 companies and startups. Specializing in emotional intelligence (EQ) and Executive Presence, Sharmin facilitates leadership excellence that drives team productivity. She holds a BS and MS in computer science and is a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) accredited by the International Coaching Federation. A native of Bangladesh and living in the United States for 26 years, Sharmin infuses her coaching practice with a rich global perspective.

web: https://greenleafcoach.com/